Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
