dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize