My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
