woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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