you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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