he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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