I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
