I wish I could teleport
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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