she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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