my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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