lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
