I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
