So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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