Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
