you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
