He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
