like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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