We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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