4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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