He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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