How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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