M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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