5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
