Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
