Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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