ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
