Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
