The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
