would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
