I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
