I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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