I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My liver just broke up with me...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
