I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
