Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
