Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I did not marry a roomba.
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