he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
