Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
