I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
