Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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