So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
