you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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