do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
