why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
