Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
