I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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