Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
