Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
