I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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