i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
