whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize