my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
