He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
