i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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