My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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