there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
