she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize