She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
