When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
