i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
