My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
