So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
