Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
